The Mother wound of abandonment

When it comes to describing the mother wound of abandonment, I struggle to find the right words to even convey the closest effect of what it actually feels like inside.

Recently, with the powerful solstice energies, I plunged deep into my mother wound of abandonment. My mother left me with my grandmother when I was 12 months old. She left me not with a stranger. She left me with a loving and caring grandmother in the countryside who actually looked after me well. Yet to me, it made no difference whether I was left on the street or in the palace made of gold.

My world shattered. It shattered so severely that I died. My nervous system crashed. It produced the effect of crashing electric wires, creating a perpetual state of insecurity, a perpetual on-guard stance, a perpetual feeling of loss, a perpetual feeling of danger, and a perpetual existence on constant alert. The feeling inside was so devastating, like I was looking for someone, like I could not find peace in this world, never ever again.

What happened?

Where did she go?

This is all my fault. I must be so bad that I was left to die. From that moment, I became a slave to my insecurity, to my forever inadequacy. The world was dangerous, the universe was hostile, I was not welcome here, I was all alone, with no protection, no care. The feelings were extremely subtle.

In 4 years, I was back living with my parents, and I never felt that I belonged there. I lost that sense right when she left me. The world crashed on me and became a heavy burden to carry. A burden of perpetual insecurity and perpetual comfort seeking, attention seeking, intimacy seeking, and cuddle seeking. God, what a slavery!

As I find myself now actually being able to finally feel this inner child so clearly, I am amazed by my journey back to mt heart.

I had so much anger to protect myself from this wound. If someone became too close, I would push them away, for I did not feel safe being loved and having someone so close. Even though I crave that closeness so much, it is not safe to bring someone so close. Anyone who comes that close will surely leave me, hate me, and abandon me. Love is not safe.

My head hurts so badly, and my nervous system is on such alert that I cannot handle it, so I must dissociate, I must cut off, I must stop this feeling.

So I grew up, and I pretended to be strong and to have it all together. But no matter how hard I tried to strive and climb the ladder of human happiness, I would inevitably crash because the wound inside was vast like that magnificent tree which stood in the middle of my backyard with a rotten trunk right at the base of the root. This tree fell with a huge thump, scaring me to death.

What a powerful analogy the Universe gave me. Look, you have a rotten trunk. How far can you climb, how far can you go without healing your base, your roots, your whole foundation?

My answer is, not far. I did not go any further than this tree. No matter how much I tell people to look at my shiny leaves, look at me, how happy and awesome I am, my inside is still rotten.

I write this to capture my feelings and to share them with the world. I want to reach out to as many people as I can. I want to shout to the whole world about the importance of mothers. Please do not try to replace her. A father is not a mother.

All those people who were premature babies and had to stay in treatment without their mother, all adoptees, all people born to a surrogate mother, people who lost their mother to death or other unfortunate circumstances in childhood, people who did not feel connected to their mother becaue the mother was disconnected from her love they are in my boat. They know what they have lost. They know the struggle.

There is no treasure, no other person, no medical invention that can replace the biological mother. We need to value our mothers like gold, like the most precious treasure of humanity. They carry our lineage, they have the countless blessings that we, as ordinary humans, have lost touch with.

When this kind of wound happens, there is only one place to go, and this place is the Divine Mother. Her energy flows to us through our mother. If we fill our hearts with Divine Mother love, then we can be free from love scavenging.

When you finally feel this inner child and connect with it, it becomes a true celebration of life. You finally connect with the deepest depth of your beingness. You can feel your pain, and you realise that you cannot die from it. It is a true miracle that you made it that far!

This deep vulnerability becomes your greatest gift. It managed to carve such deep sensitivity for me. It comes with the gift of the most profound, innocent love and longing for the Divine Connection. Nothing is ever lost, and recovering that gift is the quest in my life. Helping people to recover the gift of Divine Mother love within is my purpose..