After writing countless versions of my story, a not-so-perfect poem came from my heart, describing my journey back to the Divine Mother's love.
Oh, Mother, why did you leave me? This world is so lonely without you Without your love, your full embrace Your marvellous state of inner bliss Your profound completeness and all-encompassing abundance How did I manage to lose you? Who are these people around me? I feel no love from them? No Care I feel alone A child left without your love Who will cradle me? Who will warm me up? Even during the hottest days I feel cold inside I have looked for you everywhere I have tried to be perfect I have tried to be cruel to myself to beat myself up for all my misfortunes to make it all my fault for losing you I have tried to push you away to forget about you I tried to play a woman who has got it all I wore high heels I dressed to impress I tried to be like a man for I had no healthy example of a woman to mirror I looked for you in men I thought they had your love I tried to fill myself up with their love to no avail I got nothing I walked the streets of New York I went to fancy restaurants I went to watch Broadway shows, operas and ballets I went to museums I went to parties I travelled to different countries Only to have a lonely journey Back to my lonely apartment As I walked the streets I heard the voice “Help me” I looked around and I saw piles and piles of rubbish bags The streets stank And Mother Earth spoke to me, “Help me” How could I help her in my high heels? How could I? I had lost my heart I had nothing left Just designer clothes, makeup, botox and a fancy corporate job I was a mannequin I was no longer a woman I was empty And here I met this man Oh, maybe he can cure me He has the love that I desperately need Oh, please, please give me it Do you have her love? Do you possess her warmth? Oh no, his love feels hot and burning But still does not warm me up I need him all the time to feel that love This is slavery, this is not love I feel the danger inside I feel that he is not the one But I am so desparate This is the only love I was able to find In the world of loneliness and desolation Inside, the voice said, “Run! He drinks” Oh no, my poor child soul, Oh no He loves me If I can be on my best behaviour If I only can do anything for him If I just give up all my goals, all my striving, all my inner worth I will give up all my needs I will become this pure perfect wife I will become this pure perfect woman And I will keep him like this he will be mine His love will be mine forever And tme goes by And I become less and less of myself I shrink and shrink to the point of nonexistence I am just a shadow of myself The more I shrink the less love I get to the point when I feel nothing His love is nonexistand He is violent he is abusive he calls me bad names he makes everything my fault I am to blame for my misfortunes He is perfect He drinks and does whatever he wants And I sit alone and wait for him to return Perhaps a baby Perhaps I need a baby to become complete A baby can come and fix my misery A baby can fix my relationship with him And get me more love He hates me because I cannot fall pregnant I need this baby I am desperate I am not perfect enough I am so cloose to perfection I am so close to I will own him once and for all I will make him love me again Give me the glimpse of love one more time Yet I become more numb my body is tired My body does not want to participate in this ugly game of love I feel sick I give up Baby will not come I will stay childless Wait not so fast You are pregnant Its a mirracle Indeed baby wants to come And I accept this gift I feel like life is not done with me But wait a minute this is not what I expected I feel sick I feel tired Nothing matters anymore I feel spaced out I feel overwhelemd This is more care More responsibility for someone else Not for me There is not love for me in this he is cruel he cares little for what I feel I cannot continue my old game of love This child will come to life This child needs my mother love The grand finale - birth of my baby She entered life And I entered life too But not as a perfect ego woman Not as a super mom I came as a mother As a mother love myself I do not know it yet Tha I have become the one I longed for so many years! I just do not know it yet The child wants my love and I will give it all I will give my whole existance Take it I have an abundance of it Oh No, not that fast I have a limit I am a human mother I need some for myself He becomes less and less important His love is no longer important Another miracle another baby And I am done as a wife I am a mother I am done as a scavenger of love His image fades I feel my role I feel the rowsome mother instinct I feel the firce energy in me This is a lot to comprehand Responsibility with it goes hand in hand I have to give my whole self to these girls? But wait a minute who am I? What are my actions? What do I do with my life? Oh no, Oh dear My eyes are wide opne and I can see so clear My husband is not the love He is a weary man, who has a lot of hurt within he is unable to give me love Instead he drinks, and drinks, and drinks And in his drunken states of mind he takes it all on me My pressures girls become so sad They cannot handle so much arguments any more Oh how I was wrong by thinking tha the child can heal my relationship I put so much pressure on little angels How could they fix it? They had no power They needed love to grow And so it comes i have to go I have to leave him finally alone There is a danger that I will lose my life Oh no I cannot go he is the love the mother love I long for But wait what kind of love is this? he drinks and screams how bad I am How ugly and inhumane I live with someone who does not respect my ways Wake up! But I cannot go You can, Feel your love within And so I turn towards myself to face my pain Who feels so lonely here inside me? I am a mother myself yet I still need that love which I missed all my life Oh yes You see you have this love You have it all You need to turn your love and point it to your inner hole Just let it shine within and fill you up Oh yes I feel I feel it now This is the love This is the one I missed so much Oh dear God, Og Dear Mother Freedom Freedom from the prison of love I have the love I need I have it all within inisde And all I need is fill myself up I have a surplus , I have a lot I have so much I can fill up the whole world till the sky At last I can leave But who will take care of me? The Divine! Why? You still do not know? No I do not Too bad, you have to trust You have no chioce You have nowhere else to go This is the last door for you Open it now and you shall see and you shall feel the wind of the Divine the wind will pick you up the wind will take care of you It will take you through your life You are free so learn to trust Bu Mother how can I do it? You are my child My Divine pressures child Relax, trust and make your first step What can you lose right now After you have lost so much? You knocked on so many doors You tried it all This is the last sacred land You have not explored So learn to trust I am with you Guess what, I never left! You were lost you were gone You were in the world of drama Yet here I am as close as one could get I love you more than ever Oh Mother this love is so good to find Give me your hand Hold me, I will make the first step Oh Mother, Mother here I come But wait what if I lose you Oh no you cannot lose me The one who is always here How do I talk to you How do I feel you? I am the feeling in your body Oh Mother wait I still feel sad I feel a lot of greef My earthly mother who gave birth to me She saw no love herself She did not know you She was lost like many women She was angry She was tired She was depleted She was wornout She tried to give, and give, and give She tried to do, and do, and do She pushed, and pushed, and pushed She shrank, she screamed for help But no help came Exhausted and ran down Her life slowly faded away Oh my wild Divine child There is a wind of change for women There is a fresh Holy breeze Which will sweep away the sorrow of disconnected mothers You, my child, spread the love Show them the way to the heart For I exist, and I never left In the hearts of hearts of every woman on Earth
